Remember hearing the Golden Rule when you were a child? Treat others as you would like to be treated. It's a great standard. Well, it has been upgraded to the Platinum Rule. The Platinum Rule states that you treat others as they would like to be treated. Wow, what a difference! This tenet fits in beautifully with Imago Relationship Therapy. Imago teaches that each person has his or her unique way of seeing the world. One person cannot claim to know what is true for another until the other person communicates the information.

What does this have to do with gift giving? Some time ago, I was struck by a magazine article that listed gift ideas for "your valentine." How can we choose a gift for someone we know from a list written by someone else? It reminded me of the Golden Rule. We buy gifts that, to us, sound like a great idea. Or we give gifts that we secretly (or not so secretly) would like to receive ourselves. The Platinum Rule is light years ahead and you can apply it to gift giving. Both the Platinum Rule and Imago encourages us to find out first what the other person would like before we give them a gift. This also addresses a myth about marriage: if my partner loves me, he/she will know what I like without me having to say it. This is a myth that has been the start of many arguments within relationships. I've been there.

The Platinum Rule states that you treat others as they would like to be treated.

One way to learn what your partner likes is to do the Re-romanticizing exercise found in Harville Hendrix's book Getting The Love You Want. On separate sheets of paper, each of you should write a list of gifts or behaviors you would like to receive. You may have on your list things your partner gave you or did for you in the past. Maybe they are things that he/she hasn't purchased or done for you yet. Make each item as specific as possible. Now, exchange lists and use your partner's list whenever you need to buy a gift or do something special for him/her. It's okay if there are items on your partner's list that you are unwilling to purchase or behaviors you are unwilling to do at this time. You can focus on the other items and talk in couple's therapy about why an item is particularly challenging for you. These difficult items may provide hints to the lost parts of yourself that your partner can encourage you to develop.

If you like to surprise your partner when gift giving, how do you learn what it is that they'd truly like to receive? Be a detective throughout the year. Listen closely to your partner when you're out at a store, reading the paper, or out with friends. Your partner may already be saying aloud the things they like or would like to receive. Even if it's months away, you could the gift now and save it for the holiday. The art of gift giving is so much more rewarding when we cherish the ways our partner is different from us and bestow upon them a gift they truly want to receive.

Harville Hendrix, PhD, the originator of Imago Relationship Therapy, has selected Dr. Linda Bazan to help facilitate the workshop he designed, "Getting The Love You Want." The workshop has been attended by thousands of couples worldwide, now in over 18 countries. The book of the same name has just been released in Japanese, the thirteenth language in which it has been published. The workshop at Rhinebeck, NY. in the Hudson River valley, will be attended by about 100 couples. An intensive experience, it takes all of both days and much of the evenings of a weekend. Dr. Bazan and her husband, Donald Gibbon, have personally attended two of these workshops and co-facilitated one in northern Virginia.

Couples from Pittsburgh who go to one of these GTLYW workshops can do more intensive follow-up work with Dr. Bazan in a support group (see box above) or work more intensively as a couple with Dr. Bazan to deepen their skills using the Imago techniques acquired at the workshop. To find out about Imago International and to search for GTLYW workshops, check out www.imagointernational.org.

In May Dr. Bazan and her husband participated in a certification program in Detroit in what is known as "voice dialogue" with Dorsey Cartwright, one of the nation's master trainers in this exciting addition to Imago work.

In October, 2003, Dr. Bazan and her husband attended the annual meeting of Imago Therapists at the Asilomar Conference Center in Monterey, California. This three-day gathering brings together creative therapists from around the world. Imago is now being practiced in over twenty countries and more than 350 non-North-American therapists have been trained in the work. These annual meetings bring a tremendous spirit to all involved. Dr. Bazan and Don Gibbon hosted a workshop and information exchange for all those who are using the "Imago Education" program, such as they use at Pitt, in public education efforts.

A good marriage can offer some of the most gratifying moments of our adult lives. However, without some tough-love counseling from a more experienced mentor, both bride and groom may float into a marriage thinking that the powerful feelings of romantic attraction will carry them through any unforeseen tough times. Or, in the back of their minds, they may accept divorce as a safety valve if "things don't work out." But marriages only last if they are based on firm commitments to each other and to the relationship itself. Couples should discuss what they want their relationship to be like, and then they must tailor their behavior to make it happen. The sooner this happens in a marriage, the better.

As any relationship progresses, conflicts will arise, along with frustrations and disappointments - all of which are normal aspects of sharing life with another human being. These developments don't signal that love has flown or that the relationship is over, but they do require a conscious effort on the parts of both partners to maintain a loving connection in the face of these challenges. Unfortunately, many of us receive little or no training in this realm. We need tutoring from someone who will be kind and compassionate, while offering firm guidelines on how a loving and lasting relationship can be accomplished. That is why many people seek professional help, and it is also why some pastors now recommend pre-marital counseling before they will perform the wedding ceremony.

Following are some suggestions that address several salient aspects of relationship dynamics, which, if followed, can go a long way toward creating the relationship you want.

1. Make a firm commitment to the relationship, deliberately making it a top priority in your lives. There is a lot of competition for this top priority spot - job, football games, children, social life, shopping and so forth - and many of your friends may not live their lives to match your priority choice. It's hard to be so strongly committed, but well worth it.
2. Having mutually decided that the relationship is a top priority, decide how and when you will devote time and energy toward maintaining it. Steven Covey, in his book, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People," calls this "sharpening the saw." If we want a tool to function properly for us in the time of need, we have to take good care of it. The same is true of a relationship. Regularly schedule time together to share thoughts and feelings about the relationship.
3. Learn how to be a good listener. This means that you won't be rehearsing a counter-attack in your head while your partner talks. Instead, make a sincere effort to understand your partner's point of view, just as you will want them to listen to you in turn.
4. Learn how to say what you want and need from the relationship without demanding that you get it. Don't expect your partner to read your mind.
5. Recognize that prioritizing your relationship will from time to time require personal sacrifices. If we put a higher value on complete autonomy and self-gratification than we do on compassionate interdependence, we can't expect to reap the rewards of an intimate, mutually gratifying relationship.
6. Eliminate shaming, blaming and criticizing. If your partner fails to live up to your expectations in some important areas, explain how helpful it would be to you if they did certain things in another way. Express appreciation for any changes they make toward the desired behaviors. We all respond better to rewards than to criticism.
7. Make a conscious decision to forgive your partner's mistakes. Don't let pride rob you of life's tender moments. In the recent film, "The Story of Us," Bruce Willis repeatedly tried to open the door to an apology and in her pride Michelle Pfeiffer slammed that door on him, preventing the healing of the relationship.
8. Accept your partner's minor failings, just as you want them to accept yours.
9. Learn to show love to your partner in a way that they experience as loving. You might even ask them to write down what makes them feel loved, and then try to do those specific things for them.
10. Accept the fact that creating a good marriage requires hard work, discipline, and the courage to grow and change. But just as with a well-cultivated garden, the fruits of all that work can nurture you and your family for generations to come.

It is estimated that at least 25% of patients admitted to the emergency room with complaints of chest pain are in fact suffering from panic disorder rather than the heart disease they fear.

A panic attack begins with the sudden onset of intense fear or apprehension accompanied by a range of symptoms such as chest pain, accelerated heart rate, palpitations, chills, hot flushes, and dizziness. An attack can last five to twenty minutes. A victim may believe the symptoms are life threatening, perhaps a heart attack. Panic disorder is defined as recurrent panic attacks, with persistent concern over additional episodes and worry over their consequences, leading to patterns of avoidant behavior. It starts to change the sufferer's life.

David was referred to my office after three emergency room visits. At 26, David was rapidly advancing in a career that held great promise. He and his wife were settled in their new home, eagerly awaiting the birth of their first child. While driving to work one morning, David suddenly felt overwhelmed by a sense of fear and dread, and he broke out in a sweat. He felt a sharp pain in his chest and became nauseous. Afraid he was having a heart attack, he grabbed his phone and dialed 911. Thus began his visits to the ER and the first of several detailed cardiac workups which showed no physical abnormalities. He started having his wife drive him to work and even feared he would lose his job. His physician placed him on medication to avert suspected panic attacks. But he also wisely informed David that cognitive behavioral therapy could help him manage his anxiety. Although skeptical at first, David soon became adept at the training in diaphragmatic breathing, muscle relaxation and self-talk that I offered.

Through further therapy, David became aware of subconscious fears related to his father's illness and suddenly heightened concern for his own mortality. He was able to come to terms with these realities and better cope with the stresses of his daily life. He now jokes that he always "packs a pill, just in case" but has remained free of panic attacks for over a year.

September 11th and the following few weeks spurred an open forum on how a nation can recover from a life changing traumatic event. But, on a smaller scale, on any given day hundreds of thousands of people personally confront life altering events., requiring proportionately similar adjustments and healing. It may come in the form of a diagnosis of illness, such as cancer. A child may be born with severe physical and mental challenges. The family's home and possessions may be lost through fire or natural disaster. A job may be lost after years of dedicated service. Sudden loss of a child, a sibling or a parent may take place through accident or illness. While all of these may not necessarily be equal in the level of distress they cause, any of these occurrences challenge an individual's resources in every way: mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well as physically or financially.

How well we cope is a function of many factors, a frequent topic of research. One thing is clear however. It is born out in study after study that the availability of and connection to a support group is vital. Humans fare better across a range of stressors when they feel cared about and connected. Disaster relief planning show that the best tactic is advanced preparedness. In other words, one doesn't build community over night. A sense of belonging is a process that accrues over a period of time. We build our involvements one interaction at a time. A smile here, a handshake there, a kind word spoken at a critical time - these are the small building blocks that can grow into greater and greater involvement - in church, in the community, in social groups of one kind or another, where we can assist and edify one another. Sorrows are comforted. Burdens are shared. We learn that our troubles are part of the plight of man, the human condition. The message, then, is,: Get out and get involved!

But sometimes people have difficulty connecting. Early life experiences have left a sense of distrust. Fear and apprehension block others efforts to draw them out. Even life's inevitable events become more difficult to contend with because of unresolved issues and intensely conflicted feelings. Perhaps one finds oneself mourning the loss of a parent who was never emotionally available, or who physically, sexually or emotionally abused them. Perhaps one felt neglected or unloved by that parent. These kinds of issues not only make it harder to resolve grief, but they also affect how we relate to other people - especially those with whom we have more intimate relationships. We ourselves may be accused by these others of being neglectful, unavailable, competitive, over demanding or critical. We also may not be aware of these behaviors of which we are accused, and so we find it hard to change them. Some people go from relationship to relationship without ever addressing the problems - and without ever feeling love and connection. This can lead to a sense of loneliness and isolation or even despair, especially in times of increased challenge - such as sickness and loss.

There is an alternative, however. Many people are greatly helped by a course of therapy, in which they can form an understanding of their own and others behavior, and can learn more effective ways of relating to others so that they can experience real connection. Ultimately they too can feel a real sense of belonging and mutual support. The rest is just life happening.

"Sustainability" is in. It's the buzz word flying from political podiums in this election season. It's used often by those who are deeply concerned about our natural resources and about practices employed in modern agriculture, forestry and so on. It's everywhere in discussions about our economic future. But what about the area that touches us all so deeply: our personal relationships? Given the staggering divorce statistics, ranging upwards of 50 percent nationally, (reputedly even 70 percent in California), one might well ask, "Is sustainability a viable goal in romantic relationships?" Or along with losing our forests, wetlands, and even farmlands, are we losing our ability to love in the long term?

Research makes a clear correlation between physical illness and social isolation. We need to be in relationship with others. But not only do we need to be, we desperately want to be. How many popular magazines leap off the shelf and into the shopping cart because of an appeal to our need to be in relationship? Although some are experimenting with alternative forms of relationship and seem to have as the goal the thrill of the search (see "The Quirkyalones" in the Utne Reader, October, 2000), most of us yearn for the stability of a life-long partner. How then can we make love sustainable?

Perhaps one of the greatest obstacles to sustaining love is a misunderstanding of what love entails. When we are awash in the elixir of romantic love, we KNOW what love is! It's that wonderful feeling of self-esteem and desirability that makes us more than willing to do caring things for our new love. And we see no reason why this won't last for ever. We have found the perfect partner, and all will now fall into place. And we deeply want to be loving to our new partner. But within six to eighteen months after romance begins, somehow we just can't make ourselves keep giving at the same level, and we may even become hurtful. Nor do these negative behaviors make us happy. Yet we continue.

This is not a new problem. In the New Testament, with amazing candor Paul says in his letter to the Romans (Chapter 7, 15-16), "My own behavior baffles me. For I find myself doing what I really loathe, but not doing what I really want to do." (Phillips Modern Translation) What is it that makes us change? What makes this loving behavior so hard to carry out over the long run?

Scientists have determined that when we fall in love a chemical called phenylethylamine (PEA) is released in the brain, causing feeling of elation, exhilaration and euphoria. This chemical is only released in the presence of our loved one. Even more interesting, the brain does not seem to be able to tolerate PEA beyond a two year period. It's as though nature provides this amphetamine-like substance to help us attach to another person in a more than neighborly way. It helps us to see each other as we would like for the other to be. We are then able to overlook faults and project ideals onto our loved one. But as the elixir diminishes, a frustrating thing begins to happen: traits that initially drew us to our partner become annoying or even repelling. Our lover's productive involvements and successes elsewhere may be experienced as their unavailability to us. Their abundant affection and attentiveness may begin to feel smothering. Their comfortable, laid-back approach to life may begin to feel like disinterest and lack of ambition. And so on.

What we don't fully realize is that we've been there before-somewhere back in childhood, when a primary caretaker exhibited similar behaviors. We felt abandoned, unnoticed, or smothered, hurt in one or more different ways. Then we cried, hid, tried to get attention, gave up, convinced ourselves we could do without, or otherwise adapted to the problem. Now those old fears and hurts are being revisited at an unconscious level. We react again, now as an adult, but with a childhood reference point, trying to protect ourselves from pain, trying to get a need met. Maybe we start to complain about our partner's unavailability. Or we take stay at work longer, find things to do away from home, anything to not feel smothered. Or we may nag trying to prompt our partner into action.

Our reaction hardly goes unnoticed by our partner, who reacts in turn. Both parties are feeling less love and more threat. Gradually the love that was once a safe harbor becomes riddled with uncertainties, doubts and resentments. Some abandon ship to start the whole process over again with another lover (who, by the way, will eventually set off a similar sequence of events because of the still unmet needs and reactivities of both new partners). Others become resigned to a union of quiet desperation, avoiding conflict by not bringing up painful, but important, topics, living parallel lives of mutual avoidance. A few take on the real labor of love and hang in to reap the harvest.

John Powell, in his wonderful book, "The Secret of Staying in Love" (1974), aptly concludes that "the secret is communication," which he sees as synonymous with sharing. And so the secret of staying in love is to "keep sharing, to keep living out one's commitment." He goes on to say powerfully,

Powell seems to be propounding the "law of the harvest." We reap what we sow. If we're not willing to work, we can't expect to collect the reward.

Now, conflict is a normal part of being in contact with another human being. In fact, conflict is the very basis for growth and understanding! Harville Hendrix, author of the best-selling books "Getting the Love You Want" and "Keeping the Love You Find", beautifully describes how conflict creates the opportunity for us to come to know our partner more deeply. Using specific tools and skills of relating, we can grow to have the capacity to contain and respect their separate reality, understand and respond to their fears and desires, and have them understand and respond to ours. Perhaps this best illustrates Erich Fromm's description of love as "a paradox in which two become one, and yet remain two." Through this process we become able to move beyond our own circumscribed view of the world to appreciate another's with compassion. This does not mean we have to give up our own view. It does mean that we are able to incorporate the other's experience as both feasible and sensible, and do so without feeling that our own view is either diminished or disrespected.

This is the basis for compassion and is the hallmark of mature love. Hendrix likes to call marriage the last opportunity to grow up. We must share our thoughts and feelings with our partners in a way that is not destructive. In Hendrix's terms, we are working toward a "conscious marriage," one in which we decide what we want the relationship to be, rather than leaving it to chance and reactivity. Hedy Schleifer, a great Imago Therapist, calls this "taking control of the space between us." When we can do that, we stand a chance of sustaining the love we have.

Harville Hendrix Appears on Oprah Show, Writes for “O” Magazine on Imago Relationship Therapy

"On March 28, 2003, Dr. Harville Hendrix demonstrated the Imago techniques with three couples on the Oprah show. One review said that “he brought them back from the brink of divorce!” Although such immediate results may raise a skeptical eyebrow from those who are unfamiliar with this process, turnarounds such as this are no uncommon in Imago Relationship Therapy. Relationships can be healed, marriages can be saved… If the partners learn and practice using the tools they are taught. There is, of course, no guarantee, but the way to find out if it will work for you is to try it yourself.

What follows is the text of an article Harville and his wife, Helen Hunt, wrote for “O” magazine in the April, 2003 issue. "

CREATING LOVE
by
Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt

When we fall in love, suddenly we see life in technicolor. We nibble each others' ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We're sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. Now we feel whole, we feel like ourselves, we are connected.

But inevitably--whether we marry or move in together-- things just start to go wrong. The veil of illusion falls away, and it seems that our partners are different than we thought they were. It turns out they have qualities that we can't bear. Even qualities we once admired grate on us. Old hurts are reactivated as we realize that our partners cannot or will not love and care for us as they promised. Our dream shatters and we feel disconnected.

Disillusionment turns to anger. Since our partner no longer willingly give us what we need, we change tactics, trying to coerce our partners into caring--through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism--whatever works. The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until we split, or we settle into an uneasy truce, or until we seek help, desperate to feel alive and whole again, to have our dream back and feel reconnected.

The Imago Emerges

What is going on here? After reflecting deeply on this question, we have come to this conclusion: you have found an Imago (IH-MAH-GO) partner, someone, we regret to say, who is uniquely unqualified (at the moment), to give you the love you want. Well, this is what's supposed to happen.

Let us explain. We all think that we have free choice when it comes to selecting our partners. But our primitive "old" brain has a compelling, non-negotiable drive to restore the feeling of aliveness, wholeness and connectedness with which we came into the world. To accomplish that, it must repair the damage done in childhood as a result of needs not met, in a relationship with a person who resembles our caretakers.

You'd think, then, that we would choose someone who had what our caretakers lacked--and of course this is what we unconsciously seek. Would that it were so! But the old brain has a mind of its own, carrying its own image of the perfect partner, a complex synthesis of qualities formed in reaction to the way our caretakers responded to our needs. Every pleasure or pain, every transaction of childhood, has left its mark on us, and these collective impressions form an unconscious picture that we're always trying to match up as we scan our environment for a suitable mate.

This image of "the person who will join with me and make me whole again" we call the Imago. [Try this. See Exercise 1 below] Although we consciously seek only the positive traits, the negative traits of our caretakers are more indelibly imprinted in our Imago picture, because those are the traits which caused the wounds we now seek to heal.

Paradoxically, our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place.

So when we fall in love, our old brain is telling us that we've found someone with whom we can complete our unfinished childhood business, meet certain biological imperative, and recover our wholeness. Our imperfect caretakers are "freeze dried" in the memories of childhood, are "reconstituted" in our partner. Unfortunately, since we don't understand what's going on, we're shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces.

But that's not all the bad news. Another powerful component of our Imago is that we also seek the qualities missing in ourselves--both good and bad--that got lost in the shuffle of socialization. If we are shy, we seek someone outgoing; if we're disorganized, we're attracted to someone cool and rational. The anger we repressed because it was punished in our home, and which we unconsciously hate ourselves for feeling, we "annex" in our partner.

But eventually, when our own feelings--our repressed exuberance or anger--are stirred, we are uncomfortable, and criticize our partners for being too outgoing, too coldly rational, too temperamental. [Check this out. [See exercise 2 below]

Waking Up to Reality

All of this seems to be a recipe for disaster, and for a long time this depressing state of affairs puzzled us. How can we resolve our childhood issues if our partners wound us in the same ways as our caretakers, and we ourselves are stuck in childhood patterns that wound our partners?

Consciousness is the key; it changes everything.

When we are unaware of the unconscious agenda of romantic love, it is a disaster, for our childhood scenarios inevitably repeat themselves with the same devastating consequences. There is method to this madness, though. The unconscious recreation of the ambience of childhood has the express purpose of bringing this old impasse to a resolution. When we understand that we have chosen our partners to heal certain wounds, and that the healing of those wounds is the key to the end of longing, we have taken the first step on the journey to real love.

Conflict is Natural

What we need to understand and accept is that conflict is supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: everything in nature has a polarity and is in tension. The hard truth is that the grounds for marriage is really incompatibility; it is the norm for relationships. Conflict needs to be understood as a given, a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met and become whole, and paradoxically, to restore connection. It's only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive.

Romantic love is supposed to end. It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together to do what needs to be done to heal each other, and in the process, heal the rifts in nature caused by our wounds. The good news is that the power struggle is also supposed to end. The emotional bond that is created by romantic love to keep partners together through the hard times evolves into a powerful organic bond through the process of resolving conflict.

The way we have come to see it is that nature is healing itself in our relationships, restoring connection with split off parts. This is a spiritual process with psychological benefits. Each individual is a node of energy woven into the tapestry of Being, and the tapestry is frayed and weakened where there is conflict. With our self-awareness, we humans do not have to remain stuck in childhood ruts; we are uniquely able to correct what has gone wrong. And when we do it has cosmic consequences. When we heal our relationships, we heal the rift in nature, repairing the fabric of being, and in a small way, contributing to the wholeness of the human situation.

Making the Choice for a Conscious Relationship

A Conscious Relationship is not for the faint-hearted, for it requires reclaiming the lost, repressed parts of ourselves which we were told were dangerous to have, and which we unconsciously hate ourselves for having. And it means learning more effective coping mechanisms than the crying or anger or withdrawal that have become so habitual for us, rupturing our connection. It means reconnecting through dialogue, stretching to give our partners what they need to heal. [Try this. Exercise 3 below] This is not easy, but it works.

Regardless of what we may believe, relationships are not born of love, but of need; real love is born in relationships. You are already with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguise--and, like you, in pain. A Conscious Relationship itself is the therapy you need to restore your sense of aliveness and recover your wholeness, and set you on the path of real love and reconnection with the Cosmos which is your essential nature and destiny.

Exercise 1. Make a list of positive and negative traits of both your parents. Then make a similar list describing your partner.

Exercise 2. Check it out. Make a list of the traits you like least in your partner. Then make a list of the traits you like best in yourself. Compare the two and share with your partner.

Exercise 3: Try this. Ask you partner to state their deepest frustration with you. Then ask what they need most from you. Listen without reacting. Mirror accurately what they say. Validate their point of view. Express empathy for the feelings. Stretch to meet their deepest need.

Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt are partners in life and work. Harville is author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, and they are co-authors of a companion book Meditations and Exercises for Getting the Love You Want. For more information click on ImagoRelationships.org or Imagotherapy.com