IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY, COUPLE’S DIALOGUE AND COMMUNOLOGUE.

Imago Relationship Therapy is based on the premise that our “imago,” the subconscious image we have of our primary childhood caretakers, controls a great part of our reactions to relationships as adults.  How we reacted to the events of our childhood, what our subconscious views as our “character adaptations,” has a lot to do with the way we react as adults to our partners or other intimate companions. Unless we have tools we can use to deliberately overcome that unconscious reactivity, we’ll go on acting like children right through our adulthood. Marriage is said to be “our last best chance to grow up” and a “laboratory for the creation of two adults.” It takes a lot of work to develop a conscious relationship, rather than a reactive one, and one of the tools taught by Imago therapists is the Couple’s Dialogue. The first step in a dialogue, after one partner sends a short message, is for the other partner to mirror it back to show s/he has heard and understood the send. After the sender has finished what they wanted to say, the partner then validates the send, telling the sender that they understand the sense of the sender and how it makes sense to them too. After checking to see that the sender feels validated, they then empathize with the sender, trying to deeply feel the emotional impact of whatever the sender has been experiencing.

When this is taken into a group setting for Communologue rather than Dialogue, while mirroring is retained, commonly validation and empathizing are passed over, unless the situation clearly seems to call for it. The major difference is that Dialogue is intended to be used by two people without assistance, while Communologue clearly works best with a skilled guide or facilitator to keep the participants “playing by the rules,” mirroring where necessary and making sure Master Talk is kept at bay. The guide will also try to make sure that everyone in the Group feels welcome to participate.

Communologue is useful as a means to bring safety to a group of participants for whom there may be tension, a reluctance to speak their truth, a fear of reprisal. The point is not to solve those problems but to make it possible for participants to truly hear each other’s concerns in an atmosphere of acceptance and safety. The protocol has been used with Palestinian and Israeli couples in the Middle East, at the UN in New York City with Rwandans of both Tutsi and Hutu origins, in Pittsburgh at a Sabeel Conference, in Raleigh, NC, at a Tikun Conference, in Detroit with  a group of therapists.

If you have a group that you feel could benefit from Communologue, please contact Donald L. Gibbon, Education Director, the Relationship Shop, at  drbeelockbox@earthlink.net and he will work with you to set up a session at your organization’s convenience.

A link to an article describing the application of Communologue principles over a period of years is attached:  Special to United Way

Two additional links to therapists offering Communologue services are: www.turtlecounseling.com (with Al Turtle) and www.creativebalance.com (with Jim and Libba Wells).